I Won't Apologize
by Heidi Erickson
Summary: Chad is depressed during the holiday season but an encounter with an unlikely being helps him win back his girl and his respect. Slightly AU, OOC, and CHANNY. For my dear FF friend Alexa.


_**I Won't Apologize**_

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_**A/N: First of all, I have an announcement. I'll be finished with writing SWAC soon. But of course, very few of you will care. ;) I'm not as famous as Arie Jay or DancingRaindrops, but that's frankly fine with me. ;) (I miss you, Carmen and Danci!) After this fic, I wager I have two or three more before I retreat into what I prefer most: **_**The Lord of the Rings**_**. Yes, I'm a geek. ;)**_

_**I'd like to dedicate this to one of the dearest, sweetest, and funniest girls I've met on FF/forum, alexatheknight. Alexa, what can I say? ;) I think other than my FF Twin (xoxAdvanceShipperxox), I can relate to you the most, especially with psychology and inner issues. ;) Don't you ever change, because I love you the way you are. Don't apologize for who you are. :')**_

_**The song is by Selena Gomez, entitled **_**I Won't Apologize**_**. I think it's a lot like what Sonny and Chad have gone through recently. :) Although, I'm going slightly AU with this, and this is set shortly after the events of "Sonny With A Choice". (Psst…I haven't watched the episode. :/ So, like I said, AU! :P) And slightly OOC. :/**_

_**And as I wrote this, my plot bunnies went wild and now the story doesn't exactly match the song. Sorry. XP**_

_**Please enjoy and review! :)**_

_**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN SWAC OR SELENA GOMEZ! D: That's a weird thing to say…you'd think she was my daughter… :P I also don't own American Girl. XD Or **_**Gossip Girl**_** and **_**One Tree Hill**_**.**_

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It was almost Christmastime. The air was filled with the sound of merry music. The scenery was alight with green, red, black, and white lights and decorations. The places were swarming with fat Santa Clauses who seriously needed to quit the _ho-ho-hos_ and lay off the egg nogs, bug-eyed, fake flying reindeer, puny, stomp-on-'em, squeaky-voiced elves, too-bright-for-the-eyes pick-me-pick-me presents, screaming, grubby, greedy brats, and…ugh…just too many people.

The Christmas trees also crowded the place so much that the smell of pine was enough to make one's nose tingle painfully. And the colors were quite atrocious, as well. Pink Christmas trees should be illegal. And purple. And blue. And yellow. And white. What's next? Rainbow? God forbid.

The Christmas spirit was quite too much, either. The children were high on too much candy canes and fudge and they mercilessly demanded their parents to buy them this and that and that and this and that and this and that and that and that…

Chad Dylan Cooper began trembling and he bit down hard on his bottom lip to prevent from screaming and launching himself on the kids to shut their whiny, noisy, bleepin' traps shut.

He tasted blood. Wincing and sneering, he licked his lip, swallowing the metallic fluid that was supposed to give him life, not bad taste. Then he took a gulp of his Cha-offee to wash away the bitter taste.

"_Mom—eeeeeeee!_"

Chad sighed and rolled his eyes. That must be the hundred and thirty-second _"Mom—eeeeeeee!"_ He'd heard in the past three hours.

"Mommy, Mommy, I want this! It's perfect for her!"

_What? _Chad's ears perked up. Did that distant little girl in the little toy shop say _her_, not _me_, like other kids usually did?

"Please, Mommy? She'll _looooove_ it." The little voice begged.

That voice, the voice that begged for the behalf of others and not herself, reminded Chad of a certain _somebody_.

Chad shut his eyes and shoved away the memory before his throat could clog up.

"Mommy, remember we're s'posed to give, not get, for Christmas, right? 'Sides, Lily is having a very hard time this year, y'know. I told you about her parents' death and all. I really, really, _really_ wanna give this to Lily. She wants this dolly _sooooo_ bad."

"Honey, I want to help Lily have a happy Christmas just as much as you do, but this doll is really expensive; it's like designer brand clothing! Let's get her, I don't know, two Barbies and maybe a car or a house to go along with it?" The mother's voice was gentle, repentant, but chiding. Chad frowned, curious about the situation. He swiveled around, looking across the back of the bench, across the wide hall of the mall lobby, to the opening of an American Girl doll shop.

At the opening, before the wide display windows, a tall woman and her small daughter stood, peering at the array of dolls, hairless infant to little-girl kinds with long hair one could always style in pretty bows or just brush down. Each of them had unique dressing from their own kinds and times.

The little girl sighed, staring wistfully at a doll with dark brown hair and a pink frilly dress. "But Lily loves American Girls." She tried to reason again, but something in the tone told Chad she was almost ready to give up.

Her mother shook her head sympathetically. "I'm sorry. Listen, be a good girl and stay at the benches while I go to the restroom. I might take a while since I don't quite know where it is. Don't talk to any strangers!"

"Okay, Mommy." The little girl nodded obediently and skipped over to the bench opposite Chad's. The mother smiled down at her daughter lovingly and walked away. Chad couldn't hear her green high heels clacking down the floor, since the bustle in the mall was rambunctious.

Chad dared a quick glance at the little girl behind him. She wore her dark hair in pigtails, and she had a sweet little dimpled face.

A face that reminded him of—

Grunting, Chad shook off the memory and crossed his arms, slouching down in his seat. Unfortunately, that brought up the girl's attention. Chad sensed her curious gaze on him before she looked away again.

Chad's unusual curiosity niggled in him again. He barely peeked over again to observe the girl's outfit. To his surprise and amusement, it was very _MacKenzie Falls_. A navy blue knit sweater and a plaid skirt. Chad suppresses a chuckle. His first chuckle in weeks.

The girl must have extrasensory nerves, for she once again noticed his scrutiny and whipped her head around to look at him. Chad quickly looked away before he could meet her eyes.

From the corner of his eye, Chad saw the girl frown slightly and look away once again. Then he wondered what color her eyes were.

_Okay, Chad Dylan Cooper. Since when do you care about what a stupid little girl looks like? You seem like some kind of creep thinking that way…_

Muttering inwardly to himself, Chad scowled and sank deeper into the bench. Then he heard the girl sigh in mild exasperation. Just a second later, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

_Oh, crapsickles. Huh? Where did that word come from?_

Chad slowly and reluctantly twisted to look up at the girl. Because his face was hidden under a snow cap and sunglasses, no paparazzo recognized him in the mall.

"Mister," the little girl gave him a reproaching look. Chad felt as if his own mother was chastising him. "I don't take kindly to strange men staring at me anyplace, and neither does my mommy. I have a piggy bank in my _So Random!_ backpack, and I'm not afraid to use it. It's _haaaaard_." She enunciated the last word through gritted teeth and a hard stare.

Chad leaned back, hating himself for getting intimidated by a tiny runt of a girl who couldn't be any taller than his long legs. "Okay," he retorted mildly, "Sorry. I was curious about your outfit, that's all."

"It's a _MacKenzie Falls_ designer brand," the little girl tilted up her chin and smiled a bit proudly. "My mommy bought it for my birthday. I _love MacKenzie Falls_."

Chad was pleased but a bit concerned. _MacKenzie Falls_ was for an audience over 12. This girl couldn't be more than seven years old. "Aren't you a little young for that show?" He asked. The girl blushed faintly. "Well…" she muttered, looking down. But then she regained her confident composure. "…Nothing _too_ naughty happens on that show! If there _did_, my mommy wouldn't let me watch it. So there."

"Mm. Ah," Chad nodded. She did have a point. He didn't really have anything against younger kids watching his teen drama because it was more…dramatic and less…iffy like _Gossip Girl_ or _One Tree Hill_.

"What's your name?" The dark-haired girl peered down at him curiously. _Oh, crap._ Chad lowered his sunglasses slightly. "Don't tell anyone, kid, but I'm Chad Dylan Cooper." He whispered.

The girl frowned dubiously at first, but as she looked closer at his blue eyes and the tufts of cropped blonde hair sticking out of his cap, her countenance turned ecstatic. She opened her mouth to scream, but Chad quickly reached over and covered her mouth. "_Sshhhhh!_" He snapped. "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want to be noticed."

The girl's eyes still widened but she nodded, settling back in her bench. "Okay," she whispered. "But…but…can I still have your autograph?" She asked excitedly.

"Ah…" Chad stammered. "Oh, I guess. Later."

The girl beamed happily. That wide grin reminded Chad so much of—

He sighed and shook his head, turning away.

_You had me to get her.  
And here, I thought it was me.  
I was changin', arrangin' my life to fit your lies.  
It's all said and all done.  
I gave it all for the long run.  
Can she say the same thing?  
I guess this is good-bye and good luck.  
(I can't be what you want me to be.)  
_

"What's wrong?" He heard the girl's concerned voice.

"Oh, nothing, kid. I'm just not into the holiday spirit these days, I guess." Chad answered bitterly. "Don't mind me."

_That sounds so un-Chadly. Usually I'd want the attention._

"My name's Alexa."

Chad glanced at her with a brief smile. "Nice name. I think that's the name of one of the camera crew girls on _MacKenzie Falls_."

"Cool," Alexa grinned, revealing a set of little baby teeth. "I'm six."

"I'm 17," Chad smiled back, the first real smile he'd attempted in the past few weeks.

"You look 31," Alexa gave him a doubtful look. "Do—do I?" Chad inquired warily. He still hadn't forgotten that crazy old senior citizen coot and his warning about getting a melon head.

"No," Alexa giggled. "I was kidding."

"Mmm." Chad cocked an eyebrow and smirked grimly. "Funny."

_Funny Sonny._

The thought of her name made him choke up, and he looked away quickly.

_I'm sorry for changing.  
I'm sorry it had to be this way.  
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.  
But, I won't apologize for who I am.  
No, no._

"You seem sad," Alexa observed gently. She stood up, stepped over the bench backs carefully, and came down to sit next to Chad. She scooted close to him and touched his hand softly. "Do you need to talk about it?" She asked, looking up at him with the biggest brown eyes.

Eyes like Sonny's.

"What are you? A shrink?" Chad retorted scornfully. Alexa's eyes filled with hurt, and immediately Chad's mind went back to the day _they_ broke up.

_Remember the time when you said you were out with your best friend.  
But it wasn't the best friend that you know I thought you meant and  
I used to accept it, I didn't know I could be free.  
But I am, and I won't go back 'cause you so don't deserve me.  
(I don't even want to be her.)_

Just when Alexa turned away to leave uncertainly, Chad touched her shoulder briefly, stopping her. "Wait. I'm sorry, Alexa. That was rude of me."

"That's okay," Alexa replied quietly. "I understand if you don't want to talk about it." But she gave out a long, dramatic sigh as she sat down and gazed up at Chad with longing eyes.

Chad sighed. Heaven help him, but he supposed talking about his problems should help. If it helped with every counselee, then so be it. Even if his listener was a cow-eyed piggy-bank-wielding first-grader. "Well, Alexa, it started way back in June…" he began as he pushed the sunglasses up on his cap so he could have a brighter view of the literally shrunken psychiatrist next to him._  
_

_I'm sorry for changing.  
I'm sorry it had to be this way.  
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.  
But, I won't apologize for who I am._

He told Alexa about his relationship with Allison Munroe, the "new girl from Wisconsin" who starred in his rivaling TV show, _So Random!_. He and Sonny had met almost two years ago, and it had taken only sixteen months to get together. Chad was surprised that Alexa didn't know about their relationship: Channy. (Apparently, Alexa didn't watch the news or talk shows. Well, what little girl does?)

Before he became Sonny's boyfriend, Chad was an egotistical, puppy-shoving, money-grubbing, gloating, and scornful jerk who cared more about himself and his show (oh, and his hair). Sonny's move here, however, changed him slightly. It was only when they entered a romantic relationship did Chad's personality alter significantly.

He became more…easygoing. He became a little friendly with Nico Harris and Grady Mitchel, Sonny's costars. He wasn't so afraid of the freaky kid Zora Lancaster anymore. And he and Tawni entered a mutual understanding of each other and feelings between them softened. He became politer towards Marshall Pike, the director of _So Random!_.

He didn't fully change, though. He was still self-centered and arrogant, but whenever he was around Sonny, he was humbler and kind of fawned over her.

Chad secretly hadn't liked doing that; he loved to dote on Sonny, but he felt as if she was taking advantage of him. While she basked under his compliments and adored every one of his gifts to her, she became slightly…domineering. A diva, to be more blunt.

And no matter what…Sonny didn't accept Chad. He tried again and again to be good to her.

But when he made a mistake thanks to his hard-to-break habitual moods, it was difficult for Sonny to forgive him.

Frankly, Chad liked Sonny better _before_ he started dating her. Because back then—she seemed to tolerate his flaws _more_! It was as if once he became hers, he was expected to change completely _in a snap_.

But no one ever can change in a snap. Change takes time. Sonny didn't seem to realize that.

His biggest screw-up? Taking away the Tween Choice Award from _So Random!_. It was that moment when Sonny decided she wouldn't take Chad's crap anymore.

_I thank you for this hopeless war  
Cause through the pain I am stronger than before.  
Now I'm more.  
I don't need you anymore.  
I'm sorry.  
(Listen close I won't say this again.)_

"It was _accidental_ crap, okay?" Chad explained in a defensive manner, as if Alexa had berated him. But she didn't. She'd only sat there and listened calmly, like a psychiatrist. Chad distantly wondered where her white psychiatrist jacket and yellow notepad was.

It was then when Chad realized he'd been standing up now, and he'd been ranting a bit loudly. Fortunately, no one stopped to stare.

"The thing is, little Alexa," Chad shook his head and sat next to her, "I…I feel that, yes, I was so very wrong, but I don't think I got enough credit from her. I don't think I was _enough_ for her."

Alexa sent him a sympathetic look that made her seem older beyond her years. "I think you are right. Sonny doesn't sound so nice now. Last year, all I heard about her was that she was shy, sweet, and so forgiving."

"Hollywood changes people," Chad answered ruefully. "It changed me. I was just like Sonny when I first came here as a little boy. And now…" he chuckled darkly. "I'm working hard to change back to that good-hearted boy I was 12 years ago…all for a girl I love."

"You _are_ good-hearted, Chad," Alexa laid a sisterly hand on his arm, "She just can't see it. But you gotta make her see it."

"How?" Chad sent her a defeated look. "Besides, I don't need her. I'm stronger now."

"You are stronger, but you still need her," Alexa corrected sagely. "Life is for many things, and one of them is to have someone to be with you. People aren't meant to be alone in life. Just because you're both stronger after your breakup doesn't mean you two don't need each other."

Chad stared at her blankly for a moment. "…Are you sure you're six?" He queried with raised brows.

Alexa shrugged. "Believe me; I act six most of the time. But my mommy says I have a gift."

Chad had to agree. Thanks to this dear little girl, he now knew what he had to do.

_Ugh. Did I, Chad Dylan Cooper, just call her "dear"?_

"Thank you, Alexa," he put an arm around her little shoulders. "And…" he pulled out a $100 bill from his pocket and handed it to her. He winked. "Go buy that doll for your friend."

Alexa's jaw dropped, and she took the money, holding it tenderly in her hands as if it was a glass bowl. "Oh, my," she whispered.

Chad only smiled to himself and walked away. But he was nearly knocked down when two little arms wrapped him from behind. "Thank you, mister!" Alexa cried loudly. And then she ran off, singing to herself. Chad chuckled and kept on walking the opposite way. He felt so much better…Sonny was right about one thing: giving _is_ better than getting.

He entered a shop and bought a little something for his beautiful lady and then headed over to her apartment.

_I'm sorry for changing.  
I'm sorry it had to be this way.  
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.  
But, I won't apologize for who I am._

Sonny's eyes widened in shock and then rolled in disgust as she opened the door to see her ex-boyfriend standing there with a single rose in his hand.

"What do you want?" She snapped.

"Can I come in?" Chad asked warily.

She sighed. "Fine." She moved aside to let him in.

"Where's your mom?' He asked.

"Shopping. For Christmas. As if you know about that." She smirked at him. Chad's spirits drooped a little. But then he remembered Alexa's words, and he drew in a breath, gathering up the confidence he usually had within himself.

_I'm sorry for changing.  
I'm sorry it isn't like it was.  
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.  
But, I won't apologize,  
Why should I apologize,  
No, I won't apologize for who I am_

"Sonny," he stated firmly but gently, "I want you to know that you are one of the most important people in my life. You are. I know you broke up with me because I took away the award. I'm truly sorry about that. It was wrong of me, and if I could go back in time and not do that, believe me, I would. I really would. Sonny, you changed my life in the past two years. You made me change."

Sonny's crossed arms relaxed, and she cocked her head, her furrowed brow softening. She became more attentive. Chad went on.

"But…Sonny, I have to take a stand: you were wrong to try to change me completely."

Sonny's eyes widened. Chad hoped she wouldn't lash out at him, but she didn't. He continued cautiously.

"Yes. Sonny, you can't change people into being who they really aren't. It's called _personality_, Sonny. I may have been quite more humble and selfless in the past few months—ah-ah, no talking, Sonny, I'm still talking—but it's not me. I can act humble and selfless; I can be. But it's hard to do so when other people try to force you to be that way."

Sonny bit her lip and blinked. Chad knew he had hit close to home.

"The thing is, Sonny…I did a lot of thinking on the way here…and I realized that you're going through what I've been going through for the past 12 years. It's called the peer pressure of Hollywood. They're trying to get you to become an egotistical, selfish, and stuck-up drama queen. Like the drama king I am." Chad's voice felt raw. He waited for Sonny to scream at him for insinuating such things, but she remained silent.

"Sonny…I have an confession." He drew in a deep breath, reluctantly bringing his secret up.

"…What is it?" Sonny asked, eyes widening.

"I took away the award from you not because of MacKenzie Falls…but because I hoped it would change you back." Chad blurted out.

"Change me back…?" Sonny's voice trembled, and she sat down heavily in her sofa.

"Yes." Chad nodded regretfully. "You came to Hollywood as this sweet, shy, and unassuming girl with brown hair. Brown hair…do you remember I said it was pretty?"

Sonny's mouth quirked slightly at the memory.

"I loved that girl, Sonny. She hated me and my guts, but at the same time, I could tell she loved me no matter who I was." Chad's voice broke slightly. Sonny peered up at him warily.

"And then I asked that girl out…many months later, when she had black hair and she was so much more confident. And she loved to take charge. She was turning into some kind of…me." He laughed sadly.

"And she tried to turn me into someone who I wasn't. I don't regret befriending Grady, Nico, Tawni, or Zora, no. I don't regret our moments together. I don't regret giving you all these gifts. I don't regret choosing you over Amber and her fan club. But I regret that you tried to change me. And I regret that I had to hurt her because I resented her attitude. In a way, Sonny, I hadn't accepted you, either. I loved your confident air, but what I loved better was your way of helping others. Your innocence. And I don't want Hollywood to take that away from you."

"What are you talking about, Chad?" Sonny shook her head slightly, bewildered. Chad knelt down before her.

"I'm talking about the fact that we need to stop trying to change each other. Our relationship did not work because we tried to change each other instead of _accepting_ each other. Sonny…I will change for the _better_, but I will _not _change _completely_. And I do want _you_ to change for the _better_…but not _completely_. For better or for worse….I love you anyway." Chad finished. He blinked, fighting back the tiny tears forming in his eyes.

"You won't apologize for who you are?" Sonny answered quietly. Her eyes were downcast, her hands folded together on her green skirt.

"No. I apologize for the bad choices I've made, but I won't apologize for _who_ I _am_." Chad replied reproachfully.

Sonny glanced up at him briefly, nodded ever so slightly, and then looked down again.

Chad felt his heart sink to his toes. Sonny wasn't ready to forgive him…or to get back together with him.

"All right." He sighed softly and placed the single yellow rose on Sonny's lap. Then he walked out of the apartment.

But when he reached the door that led downstairs, he heard the door up the hallway open. He turned to see Sonny run up to him.

"Chad!" She cried. Chad stared at her with wide, wary eyes.

"I'm sorry….not for who I am, but what I've done." Sonny apologized. Her eyes were alight with tears and she was breathless.

And Chad made her even more breathless by snatching her waist, pulling her close, and crushing her mouth with his. In a beat, Sonny's arms went up around his neck, and they stood together in a tight embrace.

Chad surmised that it was safe to say they were not alone once again.

They had each other, and they wouldn't change each other for anything in the world.

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_**A/N: Well, that went well. :P I hope. :) Please read and review!**_

_**- Heidi Erickson.**_

_**P.S. While I have been writing this, I have been having a hard time in life lately. It would mean a lot if you all prayed for things going on in my life. Thank you. :)**_


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